Last week was tough, Matilda was sick and then teething, I was sick with a high fever one day and we had all the worry over Henry’s feeding. Now this week I’m back at work something I really haven’t been looking forward to.
In the last few days there has been something else though, something lurking that was making me grumpy and short tempered that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then I realised what it was. Frustration.
Frustration at the tiredness a newborn brings to your life which stops you doing things, at how hard it makes it to plan or just get out the door.
Frustration at the never ending battle to keep the house in some sort of order. With Matilda having a tantrum if I put her down to try to do something or trying to climb into the dishwasher as I empty it.
Frustration at the feeling of sprinting to stand still, of not actually achieving anything other than surviving, of being back to square one with a new born after having got used to a 1 year old.
Frustration at almost 4 weeks of paternity leave passing and feeling that we haven’t done any of the things we planned or were on our to do list.
Frustration that I’m even feeling this way and not excited about being a dad again. What sort of idiot does that?
I know this will change and quickly, I know it’s not about what we haven’t done but rather what we have achieved. That having a beautiful healthy son putting on weight after 4 weeks is a huge achievement.
But this period I find hard, I did with Matilda also, the lack of interaction with him, that he won’t lie down on his own for long. You need to bond but don’t have that same relationship that a breast feeding mum does. Changing nappies is hardly the same is it? I don’t have that feeling a mum has that he’s part of her. The lady of the manor has had 9 months to bond, I get the time when he finally falls asleep after crying.
This week we start the next chapter in our family story, we have to find new routines now that I’m back at work. It’s going to be bloody hard, more so for the lady of the manor at home. But we just have to remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In a few months we’ll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.